Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
