Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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