I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Randomize
