If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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