I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
