Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You made out with two different species that night
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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