I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
