I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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