dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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