If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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