Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
