Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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