Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
