I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
