I faked an abortion last night.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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