I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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