I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
