I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
