I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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