I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
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Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
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New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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