a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
