I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
