mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
