If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
