On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
