I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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