My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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