I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
