i used baking grease as lip gloss
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Operation Purity has been aborted
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
