I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
