Porn is love you can see.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
