I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
