he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
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