I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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