My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
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she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
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Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Please don't give away my fajitas
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize