I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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