happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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