I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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