i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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