Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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