he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
