I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
