the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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