I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
