why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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