Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
