I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
