so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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