Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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