dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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