apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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