thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
