just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
