guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
