I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
