I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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