theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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