he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
