he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
