She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
