We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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