so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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