maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
we should paint friendship bongs
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